Oh look. I’m getting drunk tonight to avoid the fact that you are in fact avoiding me and pushing me away. I just wanna talk to you about everything. And this time is over this journal entries, and I’m sincerely telling you don’t worry, this will be the last time you ever heard from me plus I know you won’t read my blog so this is the best place to vent it all out.
Do you know I’m fighting with myself everyday to not contact you? I wish this was hard for you as it is for me. I hate feeling like you don’t want anything to do with me anymore.. It hurts. Sometimes I ask questions that I already have the answer to, Perhaps you could say I’m stubborn and won’t accept the fact, I just want to see if you’re still going to lie to me or not. so awkward that I knew someone is telling lies, yet I still choose to give them chances to tell the truth, and obviously they don’t, you can contact me in Facebook but you don’t, your connection is good, you are active every now and than on Facebook messenger. You’re so cute when you do that, when you lie and what even worse I caught you! I don’t know if it’s me or you are the one who’s falling apart. Because I feel like you’re avoiding me in any way.
Seriously I just want to hit you with a pillow full of rocks. You can see I’m falling for you. Fuck . Anyway let me help you on this, - if you’re going to lie to someone again and you don’t want them to find out, make sure you are smart enough to do some work on it or just straight up and tell them to fuck off, leave you alone. Isn’t it better for you? If you had lost interest in me, why doesn’t you make it clear? I’m sure you wanted me to find out myself so I can just leave you instead, and if ever I happen to ask you, you would say I’m the one ignoring or pushing you away isn’t it?
Cause you wanna make yourself look good. See you already made your intention clear that you’re no longer interested in me .. Am I right?
I’m sure you know how I feel towards you. Dont leave me hanging and popping back when you feel like it. You can let me know if you dont wanna anything to do with me anymore now. I’m grown enough to know that feelings change. Don’t just leave me hanging. I don’t wanna sit around & catch feelings for you thats gonna leave me hanging in the long run.
I know you had someone waiting for you in Thailand. Are you playing games with me?! You know that you had won. Why ask me visit you when you had someone else? I don’t like sharing with you with her. Perhaps you wasn’t mine in the first place. Who am I to even ask or complain so much.
I’m glad I didn’t told you, I mean what’s the point right ? Instead I rather blame my own self, without telling you thinking if I told you, you would treat me different. But never the less you still treat me differently. I’m glad God didn’t make it happen somehow. But I will never know what I should do. And part of me wants, part of me don’t. And even though I had, I’m pretty sure now I won’t even tell you at all.
It’s too cruel that I had to bare on my own, and thinking I shouldn’t burden you much. But what I got in the end? You treating me this way? Like I’m just a nobody now.
I hate i believe whatever you said to me. And seriously thought you wanted to keep me always, keep me forever. I was wrong. Fucking wrong. I got so attached to you right now, you just leaving me here hanging.
Come on, Don’t blame your work, Doesn’t matter where you are going to work, I’m always understand where you coming from and what’s your job is all about. I never blame your job or what so ever. I just don’t like how you handle stuff. You could treat your friends and family members so well, but me? Like you treat me special for months after which just ditch me aside without any calls/texts or worse ignoring me.
I really wanted to know what am I to you? Just a fucking buddy? Do you plan this all along?
I don’t want to be that desperate/paranoid woman that keep calling or text you. I always tell myself when you’re free or you had at least a few minutes lunch break you will call me. I love when you call me. You will always make me smile. I finally knew I’m just temporary to you. So you been using me? Why didn’t you tell me straight up? Aren’t you straight forward?
I had so many questions unanswered . But I guess doesn’t matter now. You still looking for your miss right aren’t you? Congrats to that Phuket lady.
Remember the day you told me, that you are going to Jordan to work, I immediately cried, when I saw the message. I was about to tell you what’s really going on when I seen the doctor but instead I told you a lie and that’s was my first time lying to you. I admit, I lost, I lost the most precious thing in life which is why I’m suffering, in pain, and I remember you telling me you don’t want this until you are married. Because you are not ready yet to have another one. Everything was so stress going through at that point of time. I always remember what you said, have you ever remember mine? I don’t have the guts to tell you. Because I’m afraid of being a burden to you, I always thought of you first. I shouldn’t. I should love myself and think of myself. Because you are so selfish. Didn’t you realize that I wasn’t myself for that period of time?! I was emotional and all, I guess you didn’t even bother anyway.. And perhaps you reading this now, would be so happy that I help you solve the problem instead crying and look for you..
The person you don’t like or even love kept on trying to get your attention. Whereas the one you are so attach with, he is treating you like a piece of shit! Don’t lie to me, if you talk to someone else just tell me, don’t waste my time, there’s others that actually want my attention yet I’m still giving it all to you.
I feel like a desperate and pathetic woman here, and worse I feel like crap and mess up. How foolish to think that someone like you, wouldn’t hurt someone like me, how stupid, cupid is a cunt.
I seriously need to stop letting people come back in my life so easily. I’ma start ignoring y’all now. Don’t use me when you bored ✋✋
I dwell over things that happened months ago, I need to stop being a fucking idiot and move the fuck on already.
Goodbye ! And be safe wherever you are. I wish you all the best. And I hope you will find the right woman you been looking for, hopefully you treat the Thailand woman right.
Sadness helped me write. I wish it was opposite. I wish I was happy writing.
Here’s to living my dreams. I did it. Sort of…
I’ve learned, If someone doesn’t care about you anymore, you need to do the same and move the fuck on.
I will always remember you said this “Honesty is something that every person is capable of just that some people do not use it. ” , because clearly you are one of them, and plus you had warn me right from the start . And I’m still so stupid to fall for it.
Cause I do love you idiot.
Take care love xxx